I have developed very small gills behind each ear and every day my skin gets increasingly scaly. I think I'm de-evolving in order to survive. Thanks Mother Nature for turning me into a fish to weather the Chicago weather. I'm not looking forward to fins but at this point, what the hell. I might look better as an amphibian than I look with my puffy frizzy hair from the rain and humidity. Every day it's the same from my mortal enemy the weatherman - "Rain tomorrow morning . Rain into the evening and overnight. Rain again the next morning into the afternoon. A thunderstorm at night and possibly the next morning. It's going to be wet out there," he says with a big old grin on his face. I resist the urge to throw my pasta primavera at the TV because it is tastier than fish food.
I used to only hate him in winter. He is really at his best then. "A storm is coming, run, hide, don't go to the airport, stay off the roads, buy a sled and 8 barking Huskies. It's going to snow for the next 112 hours; people could be buried alive if they don't have emergency kits in their car. (my emergency kit has a hair dryer and lipstick). It's big , it's white, it's coming to your neighborhood!" I burst into tears before I ate an entire bag of Oreos for comfort. Does this man have friends?
I should have been a Meteorologist. I'm a drama queen with a touch of the morbid. How hard could it be for pity's sake? I'd be a little more direct with the viewing audience however. Why sugar coat the forecast by smiling. "The weather today will suck. If you have frizzy or curly hair stay home or wear a hat as the humidity will be 95%. You probably won't look good again until the weekend. If you have a comb over I'd suggest staying home also as the winds are going to be gusty and it could be embarrassing. Just remember folks I'll look as bad as the rest of you so I feel your pain." Isn't that a lot better? No smiling or ridiculous atmospheric charts with wavy lines .
It's dreary dreary dreary again today. I need anxiety medication and a long sleeve shirt to cover the scales. My hair has taken on a giant life of it's own and has become resistant to all forms of calming shampoo. I wonder if super glue can double as conditioner? Like I said in my forecast, I probably won't look good again until the weekend.
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2 comments:
Everyone hates chinese torture - "rain tonight - more in the morning - lightening up in the afternoon - possibly heavier tomorrow night - steady during the night - moderate tomorrow - but quite stormy tomorrow night - sun showers for a while the next day - followed by heavy downpours
So here, no more torture - IT'S GOING TO RAIN FOREVER AND EVER!!! UOAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Well, it's going to rain forever or at least until it starts to snow. That's what we have in Chicago rain and snow. But at least with snow there is no humidity and my hair actually looks good. I rarely have bad hair days in the winter. My hair is so shiny and straight. I want to run outside and show the world - see, my hair is actually below my shoulders - it's long. Not what it looks like in the summer - short, frizzy and out of control!
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