Thursday, April 29, 2010

Am I Carrie Bradshaw or Roseanne?

I hate moving but decided after 30 years in the suburbs of Chicago to be a city girl again. Yea, I'm a decrepit Carrie Bradshaw! Unfortunately, once the initial "oh goody I love my new apartment " passed, which took 30 seconds, I looked around at the boxes filled with my papers from 1975 and suitcases stuffed with clothes I stopped wearing four years ago and anxiety gripped me by the throat. Help, I can't breathe! Why did I move? Maybe I'm not Carrie, maybe I'm Roseanne! I couldn't unpack; I could only stand panic struck surrounded by my belongings and hyperventilate. Where were the smelling salts, and did I ever own any? More importantly where did I put the emergency Sauvignon Blanc? I considered calling an ambulance. I needed to rest somewhere peaceful with nurses administering medication. That sounded a lot better than staring at a pair of hiking boots sitting on top of a box. I haven't hiked in 4 years. The last time I tried it I saw a man attacked by a cactus. I like cars.

I have 14 new keys and a fob that open a dozen doors to get in my building. This makes me sweat and very very nervous. I like one key. And for God's sake what does "fob" mean? I envision standing outside at midnight madly trying key after key after fob to no avail and then pounding on the door . It won't help, but will make me feel pro-active, along with bursting into tears. Why did I move?

And uh oh, where did I put the dog? "Beefy Boy, where are you?" He glared at me from behind a pile of boxes. Thankfully he can't talk. He hates moving as much as cross country car trips. I think he wanted to stay in Santa Fe. He might like city living however- more people, more attention. I resigned myself to unpacking but not before I found the emergency bottle of wine. I've carefully labeled all the keys and wonder if the "fob" can double as a Ninja device for protection. It's possible I'll like being an aged slightly arthritic Carrie Bradshaw and ripped open the box labeled "high heels."


Anonymous said...

Thanks, Gail, for another entertaining column. Gonna save it to re-read if I feel glum. Your last line is priceless.


Anonymous said...

According to the dictionary a fob can be an abbreviation for "friend of Bill (Clinton) or Forward Operation Base" but that comes after "an ornament on the end of a chain for a waistcoat'. Unfortunately, I have no idea of how that might help answer your question.

However, here's an idea put all the keys, save the mailbox key in your mail box. Then only carry the mailbox key and the fob of course.