Computer Exorcist Wanted; good pay

I'm a technology loser. I need the power of positive technological thinking. Is there a Dale Carnegie course for people like me? I can't Tweet, and have people "following" me who I mistake for stalkers. I still don't understand Facebook. I have "friends" I don't know and never will along with a big empty "wall" when I really want a couch. I receive text messages and have no idea how to retrieve them so I hand my phone to the nearest 8 year old for help. I am incapable of texting back so please stop sending messages. I just figured out how to plug phone numbers in my cell phone although my sister's name is spelled with a "b" instead of an "r." I have no idea how to fix it and refuse to call her "Teby."

I've also concluded that a demon lives in my laptop. This creatures sole reason for being is to ruin my life. I recently lost an entire file of book edits thanks to another carefully thought out plot by my personal computer demon. How did it vanish when I carefully clicked "save as?" I broke out in hives and ran around the house screaming and itching. An entire day of editing gone in a flash! How could this happen? I threw back a handful of Xanax and ate half a chocolate cake to calm my jangled nerves . I was calmer, had pimples and needed bigger clothes but still had no freaking idea where my work disappeared. "Come out come out where ever you are" I yelled at my laptop but was no match for the little trickster. I banged on the keyboard, clicked on all the icons, read every file and no sign of my work. Curses. I needed an exorcist and wondered if there was one that specialized in computers.

I was lost and had abandoned all hope. I would never understand the difference between "save" and "save as." It took a heroic friend to talk me through a 2 hour search of my programs to find my edits. My brain almost exploded in the process. I was drained, exhausted, and needed a nap,yet deeply satisfied that this time I had foiled the plot of my computer demon.