I finally had to face it, no one wanted to fix me up. Crap. No matter how I begged, pleaded, threatened or bribed, the response was "I don't know anyone to fix you up with." Give me a break, not one of my family members, friends, or even my mailman (yes, I'm a loser and asked him), knew an unattached male. This couldn't be possible when half the adult population was divorced. The question that continued to haunt me was ,where was this half and how come no one knew them?
When I was in my twenties and lived in New York City every time I walked out the door I got a date. Men were everywhere. Of course my handy dandy Golden Retriever was a guy magnet, but my ego could take it. We were a package deal, love the dog, love me. It sure was fun being 24 yrs. old in New York. Flash forward 35 years and we're talkin' a whole new story. I walk outside and I'm invisible, except to people asking for money or directions. My apologies to that old guy I headed north instead of south. Even my super model yellow Lab doesn't help. I am so over! I was frantic to come up with something better than "do you know anyone to fix me up with?" I needed a new marketing plan.
I decided to focus on bribery. I offered a $3,000 vacation to the person (yes, including the mailman) who found me a long term man. What better investment than myself. I was convinced there was nothing like $$$$ to jolt my friends into action. Check book in hand I went off to offer the vacay to my girl Bobbi.
"What do you mean not enough money?" I practically spit out my mocha skim latte with extra foam hearing this, but couldn't afford to.
"No offense sweetie, but it doesn't really cover the kind of vacation I'm used to, besides I still don't know anyone. Gotta run and pick up the boys for soccer, then baseball, then dinner, homework, baths."
"Blah blah blah blah" was the bubble over my stymied head. I was shocked and despondent. What was I offering, chicken liver? Prison camp? I needed new friends with less income.
Bribery continued to fail at my entry level number. Finally and with great trepidation I ponied up a trip to Paris. If it was the George V my friends wanted in exchange for a man I would borrow the cash. I was an "upstart" company, all new businesses take out loans and then go bankrupt.
"Sorry kiddo, I just got back from Europe and I'm exhausted. Besides Mark and I don't know a single man."
"Nope, I wish I knew someone but I'm so busy with the kids."
"I never really meet anyone on my route except women."
Now what? Or, if not now, when? I was growing older by the minute, I needed help. Someone help me!
"Honey how about one of those dating sites? Someone at the beauty shop told me that her niece's best friend met her husband that way."
I hated the beauty shop tales my mother loved to weave. And her affinity for complete strangers always disturbed me.
"Sure mom, whatever. I bet they're really happy. Uh oh, gotta go."
Could Mom be right or finally have a story with merit? A dating site sounded so desperate and lonely. Yet, I was desperate and lonely. Besides it was a hell of a lot cheaper than my bankrupting offer of Paris.
I was weak, a bit hypoglycemic, and two glasses of a cheap California Cabernet under when I finally relented and turned on my computer to find love. And who was staring back at me but Dr. Phil. I think I screamed. He was the new spokesperson for Match.com. He looked happy. I was buzzed and he was bald. I began to feel a little dizzy and with my blood sugar level dropping rapidly a lightbulb went off....if all else failed I could date Dr. Phil. After a few non-lucid moments of pondering whether or not he was my type I put my spinning head down on the keyboard but not before I clicked "join now" and then fell asleep.
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3 comments:
That was great! Tell us what happened after! I have been looking for a woman on Match for some time and - zilch! Has your experience been any better?
Did you meet any men that lied about their age? Did any of them ever lose all their hair on the way to meet you. Did any ever show up in a plaid jacket and striped pants?
Sorry. I can't write anymore there is a dog on the floor next to me gnawing on the leg of the Jolly Green Giant and it is distracting me.
BUT, PLEASE GIVE US THE NEST INSTALLMENT!!!!!!
OMG - you mean the dog magnet days are over. Of course, I never owned a guy magnet dog like a lab or golden. My small dog attracted men that were not my type (or any woman's type for that matter). I was actually thinking of getting a dog magnet (or at least borrowing one) and then making weekly trips into Chicago to walk him along the lake since walking a dog out here will only make the dog happy. I rarely see any men walking their dogs and the men I do see are usually running (very fast) and not inclined to stop and chat. Of course maybe it I changed my walking attire from sweat pants and tshirt into something with a little more vavavoom ....... Oh well, match.com here I come
HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! What do you mean no one wants to fix you up with someone? I've told you many times to come to Dallas, ther are plenty of single rich men here, and no, the cowboy boots, hat and horse are not around, ok maybe tight jeans with cowboy boots but no hats... Last time I saw a horse in Dallas was made out of bronze and near a fountain....
Gut magnet dpgs still work, beieve me.. I was at a lake this past weekend and I saw thsi beautiful, tall, brunette GREAT DANE DOG, I love Great Danes, so I walk to it and said hello, looked at her eyes, her shake, her behind and her tail (the dog's that is) and then I realized that her owner was a woman and she was not attractive AT ALLLLLLL, Looked like the a monster that came out from the lake, I smiled at her she smiled back and I said "You have a gorgeous dog, what's here name" she went on and on and on and on on how she got the dog.. OMG I only wanted to know the name of the dog, that's all... This woman asked me if I was alone and if I was going to kayak today etc. She started flirting so I said "woops gotta go" .. I went kayaking and when I got back I saw the same dog and a very cute woman with the dog, I looked around for the ugly one and walked towards the dog to say hello again, but NOW I had interest in the person walking that dog "Oh I saw your dog aboyt an hour ago but she was being walked by someone else" she said "yes that's my friend and was taking care of my dog while I was sailing" "OOOOOOOOOOOH REALLLLLLLY?" this was not the ugly girls dog? Hmmm, we talked for about 15 minutes and then I asked her if it was ok If I bought her a drink and the dog some fresh water and she said yes..Going out on a date next weekend.. So yes Magnet dogs can do the trick.
Again, you want me to fix you up with a nice guy? COME TO DALLAS... And yes get a dog, not a little Chihuahua, men are not into that, women are, borrow someones Labrador and GO FOR IT..
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