"Princess Stripped of Crown"! or I hate to shop.

I hate clothes shopping. I know, I know, I also hate "The New Yorker" and packing boxes. There must be something I like...but I digress. Shopping is at the top of my 'most dreaded' list. This is no more evident than looking in my closet, where my friend Adria recently spent about 30 seconds before she started screaming. "Is this it?! Where are the rest of your clothes?" Sheepishly I stammered, "I don't know....oh wait... there are few things in my office closet ". I took her hand, marched her there, and stood with my head down so as not to witness her expression. "Are you kidding?! There's no such thing as a Jewish princess with so little clothing"! Crap. I was busted and demoted. I felt ashamed and questioned the validity of my DNA. She was right, I was a disgrace to my "title" and mother. Mom btw, could dress the entire third world with the clothes in her closet she has never worn.

I was determined to prove Adria wrong. I was a Jewish Princess! With trepidation and medication I set forth. First stop, JCrew , where I had my friend K on speaker phone. "Now go to the back of the store and look at the "minis"....so cute", she commanded. "Then you definitely need the little blue pin striped jacket with the rolled up cuffs....oh, and ask the salesmen to show you the jeans in all those great colors". Click. I was overwhelmed and had started to itch. What "cuffs", what "minis"? I left the store in tears, searching desperately for the meds. "I am a Jewish princess... I know I am... I know I am".

I set out again the very next day with my mother in tow. After all why not bring along the Czar of shopping as support. Store one, I stayed long enough to try on two pairs of pants. My shopping A.D.D. kicked in and we left. Store two, I didn't get as far as a dressing room before I dragged my mother by the hand out the door. "MOM, let's go, I hate everything"! I'm not sure she was completely in the car before I pulled away from the curb. Store three, same scenario, only this time faster. Mom was getting dizzy from our pace. I offered her the meds. Store four I was dazed and prepared to face my fate...I wasn't a Princess because I didn't have a wardrobe worthy of the crown. Then like a "once upon a time" moment, I spotted a consignment rack. Thanks to a quaking economy a sexy little black dress called to me and I grabbed it. "Mine"! Was I on a roll? A fabulous jacket was next; so cool, so soft, so cheap! I was suddenly giddy. I did it...I shopped and purchased. The crown was mine!

Economics 101 or sex sells.

Girls, girls, girls, why didn't anyone let me in on this? It can't be a secret if I read the news in the New York Times. I feel totally left out to say nothing of realizing I'm the world's biggest prude. Apparently women are shopping up a storm and not just at Target, where yours truly is staked out waiting for the latest shipment of $20 dresses. While I'm trying on cheap clothes the rest of you are buying high priced sex toys. Is this true? Nice! And huh? Ixnay to designer handbags and hello to the "We-Vibe"! Yep, women are splurging on pulsating rubber duckies, vibrating lipstick tubes, jewel-tone fur ticklers, pulsing cigars that turn into pendants and pearl wrist restraints that double as necklaces. ( I love nice jewelry). Rock and roll girls. I say spend that rebate check! Hank Paulson, did you know this?

At least one industry in the country is booming AND wouldn't this be a much better way to lead off the evening news? Instead of hearing the auto companies bitch and moan and brokerage houses crying for bigger bail-outs how about, "Sex toy sales are up 50% from this time last year". Or "Sweden today reported a run on the "Gigi", a rose-colored rechargeable vibrator and the "Nea" a palm sized massager". Wouldn't that be a national pick-me-up?

Btw, President Bush, Alan Greenspan et al, this is what I call a stimulus package.