"The Housewives of Beverly Hills" Scared the Crap Out of Me

I never liked to watch scary TV when I was growing up. The most frightening I could tolerate was"The Twilight Zone." "Shock Theater" was out of the question as was anything with Frankenstein , The Mummy , or a monster who could later haunt me in my dreams. I had to face it, I was a scardy cat and wimp. Ixnay to creepy and freaky. I've been playing it safe ever since. No Freddy Kruger, or folks wielding a chain saw pass in front of these eyes. I thought I was safe until I mistakenly saw "The Housewives of Orange County" in their blindingly colored clothes, big nests of hair, and gigantic breasts. It was shock and not a lot of awe. I thankfully repressed the crazy woman tribe of Orange County but was on the treadmill at the gym last week and stumbled upon the equally frightening "Housewives of Beverly Hills."

I almost lost a limb watching the flashy trashy girls. I was staring so intently at them I forgot to keep my feet moving and started to fly off the machine. Happily I caught myself and didn't have to be hauled off in an ambulance and miss the show. Who are these women? This haunts me along with the thought that their plastic surgeons need to go back to medical school and consider a different specialty. I wanted to hide my eyes but couldn't. Oy! And for the life of me I don't know why they want such giant breasts. It seemed like they were always falling out of their tops and I could reach out and catch them. And why why why would you want your lips really big and puffy like marshmellows? Surprisingly no one had a lisp. I also can't imagine how they breathe in such tightly fitting clothes but somehow the girls manage. I could never hold my stomach in for more than 10 minutes at a stretch. They must have very good lungs.

The scariest part of the show however was how much money two of the wives spent on birthday parties for their respective two and four year old daughters. "Mom, why didn't you spend $60,000 for my fourth birthday, or the paltry sum of $12,000 for my second? All I got was pin the tail on the donkey and bingo. I would have loved a live petting zoo, cho cho train, $20,000 worth of flowers and a song composed just for me. Although it is really sad to peak as a female at the age of two or four.

The "Housewives of Beverly Hills" scared the crap out of me. I can't understand why or how they're on TV. So far none of the wives have caused me to wake up screaming but personally I have ruled out cosmetic surgery. I've also decided to rent "Friday the 13th" and "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" as comic relief.