I was almost arrested...by a citizen. I thought that was an urban legend, not something that actually happened. I had just pulled into a parking space in a suburban mall to meet a friend for a dinner and drinks.
Whoops did I say "drinks"? Scratch that from the record. I did say suburbs however, as in a nice, polite, upscale community. A place where people shop, laugh, drink mocha skim lattes and mind their own business. This was my naive assumption. I got out of my car in front of the restaurant and this big old fat guy in a University of Illinois jacket was pointing his finger in my face yelling "you're drunk!" I looked around to find the person he was accusing because it couldn't be me. Yet, he was staring right at me. "Huh?"
"You're drunk and I called the police and gave them your license plate number". I think I lost consciousness for a second or two out of shock.
"Excuse me sir (I was trying polite as a tactic), I have no idea what you're talking about. I am not drunk."
"Yes, you are, I've been following you. First you passed me on the right and then you've been weaving all over the mall." I did pass him on the right because he took up two lanes pulling out of his parking spot and then stopped. Is that a crime? Get over it ,move on get out of my face and no spitting.
"The truth is sir I was totally lost and couldn't find the restaurant. I was confused about the address and desperately driving around the mall looking. I am absolutely not drunk."
"Tell your story to the police missie because you're shit faced, and I've called them." Hmmm I wonder how old he thought I was. I digress. Crap,why was I still being polite? I'm surprised he didn't whip out a plastic badge and toy gun. Civility had failed and I stood there with my jaw dropped, pacing neurotically, and a little sweaty as he pulled away.
I needed a drink. Damn, I couldn't drink the police were coming. Did I have to walk a line? Breathe into a can? Call a lawyer? I was confused, frantic, and sober. Curses. My dinner was ruined. I wasted $6.50 ordering a glass of Reisling and didn't drink it, but stared longingly. I picked at my salad waiting anxiously for a vice squad to burst into the restaurant and drag me out to the curb for questionning. I watch too much TV. I left the restaurant hungry, thirsty and still wondering why I was so polite.
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Something like that happened to me once but it wasn't a man. It was a woman who looked like she hadn't shaved in a week.
She accused me of making obscene advances at her. "You're nuts lady", I said. "You haven't even gotten out of your pickup truck." There was a large dead moose over the hood. I'll bet she carried it all the way from where she threw it on the ground and snapped it's neck.
"So why don't you take your boyfriend, on the hood there home and leave me alone.
She fired a few rounds from her AK47 at me and left. Why couldn't she have just left in a huff the way other women do but then she was not quite like other woman - she was a hottie!
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