Spring's over here in Chicago. It was one day. I put on a t-shirt , gym shorts and went outside. Wow, breezy, warm, the sun was out...I felt happy, light, and almost care free. Almost. The channel 5 weatherman wasn't grinning at me with his evil twisted smile forecasting snow. Although he did have a moment of joy in April when he said his favorite words "winter storm warning". "WHAT?!" I shreiked, running for the heavy medication and alcohol. "Snow??? It's April... April", I sobbed. "No, not snow, I can't take another flake. My parka, quick, where's my freaking parka? I'll be cold, alone, and covered in white"! I had to be blindfolded until the snow melted.
I was convinced after the very last teenie weenie flake melted that my meteorological panic attacks were over until November. Warm temperatures...short sleeves...no prescription drugs. Did I forget to mention I'm building an ark? The channel 5 weather devil is back and he's smiling in May. He's not allowed to smile in May! Rain, high winds, possibly "damaging" (his new favorite word) and flooding. Take cover, duck from the flying debris and be sure to carry an umbrella. Huh? It's downright biblical. My dog has mold between his toes and water wings on 24/7. Oh my God, my hair... look away or you'll go blind. I now use super glue as conditioner.
I'm not handy with wood or a hammer so ark building is quite a challenge. As for the "two by two" criteria; I don't think I have two of anything but I'm looking.
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2 comments:
HAHAHAHA OMG that's funny... Ok honey, "two by two" don't use that for an ark, DON'T... Go to Wal-Mart and get yourself an inflatable boat, all you need to do is blow.. Sure you know how to blow, I hope you do ( ;0o OR get a canoe already built, do you know how to row? have you ever sailed? Not to worry, I say stay home.. Oh and here is a suggestion AGAIN.. DO NOT WATCH CHANNEL 5.. There is Channel 2,3,4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 13, and all the way to 987.. SAY NO TO 5...
Here in Dallas all week has been raining, today FANTASTIC, AMAZING, sunshine, wind, my kind of Kayaking day but NNNOOOOO have to do laundry, damn it!... It's ok.. I put a load on the wash and run outside and lay on my lawn chair, you think I can tan topless? Not in America, God know what they would think.. Even though I am not famous, I am sure that my neighbors would be like checking me out, why? Because of my tattoo's that’s why oh and my titts too, they are FANTASTIC why can't I get them tanned?...
How about you and the weather man for one of the 2x2's. Marry him and then you will have the Jewish right of passage to nag, whine, bitch and complain about the weather and anything else you don't like. He'll give you good weather 100% of the time just to keep you quiet.
Just think - you can reduce him to a quivering mass of jelly in a matter of days. Or, you can send him to an insane asylum just by asking him if he remembered to do things.
When he is gone you could marry the president - there is no telling how far you could go on your powers.
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