CHICKEN LITTLE or THE SKY IS FINALLY FALLING

It’s finally happened in my lifetime – the sky is falling.  And I am doing my best impersonation of Chicken Little running around holding my head in my hands, screaming “the sky is falling ,the sky is falling!”!  My brain is spinning into butter from fear of everything:  kitchen counters, silverware, the refrigerator, gas pumps, other humans, all door handles/knobs in a 1,000 mile radius and my own hands!  Oh no, did I just touch my face and forget to wash my hands?  I might have, I did, I didn’t, I can’t remember.  I’m dazed, confused and only have 6 rolls of toilet paper in the cabinet beneath the sink.  Will that last, will I?  My hand has become one with the remote as I channel surf from one news outlet to the next, and OMG did I sanitize it before I surfed?  I almost washed my hair with sanitizer before I snapped back into consciousness.  No one has mentioned that yet have they?  My eyes are blood red as I have been staring at the TV for so long that I think I forgot how to blink.  What I really need is sleep, calm, and a Xanax drip.  

Dr. Fauci I have checked my temperature at least 45 times in the last hour.  Do I really think I can develop a fever that fast – yes!  My hand/arm is suddenly on auto response to check my cheeks to see if they’re extremely hot or medium hot, or mildly hot or not.  I will get tennis elbow if I can’t stop myself soon.  I haven’t coughed in weeks but am convinced I have one. Uh oh, have body aches set in?  Nope I just tripped and fell on the rug running to clean my hands so I can use my iPhone. But hold on a sec, don’t I have to wash my phone too? Ironically I have spent years desperately trying to keep my phone safe from water. The phone, my hands, my face, my mind, which will go first?  

Meanwhile the stock market is falling faster than the sky.  For one brief shining moment I am excited to be too poor to have bought any.  Then I remember I am still poor. 

I decide to take the dog for a walk and pick up pieces of the sky as I go.

Love in the Time of the Corona Virus 

Social distancing will be a new dating challenge. Coincidentally years ago I thought the best way to meet a man who contacted me on a dating site was to arrange for a drive-by date.  It’s quick doesn’t require parking but only a small wave and you’re done.  All you really have to know is the make and model of each other’s car.  That sounds so much easier and less stressful than sitting with a man and after sixty seconds knowing it was the last sixty seconds you ever want to spend with him.  On many occasion I have held myself hostage to boredom and zero physical attraction in the name of civility but now those days are joyfully over. There is a certain beauty to the new dating as well as an advisable speed limit.  Driving more than 20mph won’t allow you a long enough look to know if pulling over, getting out and maintaining social distancing is a good idea.

I made the unfortunate error of joining a dating site recently and if a Corona Virus test came with the membership it would have been worth it.  This is not an opportune time to meet a man and now Match.com has my money.  I have gotten quite a few “likes” and messages from prospective dates but social distancing and the closure of everything but CVS and Walgreens sheds a new light on romance.

This is where the drive-by idea is genius as expediency is of the essence.  I can quickly assess if I want to hightail it to Walgreens/CVS for a six feet apart meet and greet. More importantly what aisle is appropriate for social distancing?  Is the Metamucil/laxative aisle too revealing for a first date?  Condoms too alluring during a pandemic?  The household disinfectant aisle will be quiet due to hoarding.  I doubt I can get a refund from Match.com which would sure help out those of us who did not predict social distancing as a dating norm.  I think if they are smart they will offer a free phone sex option for those skittish about the Walgreens/CVS meet up.

My personal preference……  “Show me the refund!”