You're Never Too Old to be Ten Again

Ouch! Ouch! And OMG are you freaking kidding me?!  How and why are women submitting to what seems to be the "extreme sport" of beauty?  What's even crazier to me is why anyone would want to become prepubescent all over again. It was hard enough when I was wishing and hoping for breasts; obsessing that I would never have a reason to trade my little white undershirts for a bra.  To say nothing of the nightmare of wearing anklets before my Mother let me shave my legs. I felt doomed to a life in my bedroom.  After all I couldn't go to a boy/girl party looking more primate than Homo Sapien. Ah the wonderful childhood memories of hairy legs and a flat chest. Now decades later on the horizon lies a question I could never have imagined.

To Brazilian or not to Brazilian and am I really asking myself this question? Incidentally I don't mean a trip to Rio, or good strong cup of coffee. I am also not talking about the ridiculously expensive  but gloriously humidity defying Brazilian Blow-Out which btw my hair could use right now.  Oh no I am talking about the bikini wax gone rogue, the mother of all waxes, the kill me now waxing of all pubic hair. Whose idea was this?  Is Kate Moss behind the conspiracy as she looks oddly hairless?  

Decades after going thru puberty, I should now consider being 10 again?  Even more surprising was that a man told me about this new beauty regimen and yes I was dating him. "You talkin' to me Mister?"  I became weak, sweaty and oddly itchy.  A mind numbing bikini wax isn't enough?  Consensus, I desperately needed consensus! Was every woman hairless?  Did I miss the memo? Is this the new normal? I needed data quick!  I collected answers from my male inner circle regardless of my burning desire to ask every man and woman I saw in Starbucks.  A non fat grande mocha skim latte or Brazilian wax?

Data is a mixed blessing.  From my male friends I heard two words more associated with aviation than a beauty must - landing strip and runway. I wasn't deterred by my visual confusion or urge to book a vacation as I queried my women friends.  Oddly they were less adventurous and not venturing further north than a bikini wax.  Trying not to get arrested I looked around the locker room at the gym.. whew, filled with women afraid to fly.  Is a sign a "sign?"  I saw plastered in the window of a beauty salon - "Brazilian Waxing Special 30% off on Regular Price  $50 now $35... Only Tuesday." 

It was Wednesday.  

Sex, Prunes and the Sahara

Recently on a Match.com date a 76 year old man asked me if women over 60 still want to have sex.  Btw , just as a warning he stated on his profile that he was 66; funny math I'd say.  And men protest that women fudge the numbers! Geez. Hearing his query I had to wonder if he was having a stroke or was that his best "line" to get me in bed. Should I rip off my blouse and jump up yelling "yes, yes, yes I will prove we do" or call an ambulance?  I stared to see if his mouth was drooping as he continued to explain that his friends have told him menopausal and post menopausal women turn into shriveled up prunes drier than the Sahara. Hmmm his friends are well traveled and constipated. He also cited that he had never slept with a woman over 60 as his ex-wife was 20 years younger than he.  How's that for seduction?  Hot or not?

Mother Nature does play a cruel trick on women. Just when the kids are gone or we finally have some free time for hot sex our hormones say "hasta la bye-bye." Desire still reigns, but so long to dewy skin, thick hair,a waist line, a good night's sleep and yes, lubrication. Ouch.  I admit I wasn't prepared for this sleight of hand and shock with no "awe" seemed to be my future. To add insult to injury Big Pharma flooded the market with Blue M and M's (Viagra).  The years men were supposed to be in sexual sync with women were poof(!), gone in a nano second.  Prescriptions in hand the old guys came roaring back to life. A veritable stampede of bulging stomachs, balding heads, neckless, chinless, and wrinkled men were wondering if I was a dried up prune and if so, out of their way as younger models certainly were anxiously awaiting. Got big bucks boys?

Apparently my prudishness has become prunishness.  Armed with my game changing personal version of WD40 I would definitely say "yes" if I met an age appropriate man to whom I was attracted.  It's a lot like the vast empty desolate landscape of the Sahara out there in my man land.  Prune danish anyone?