Wanted: A Giant Pedestal for my Next Date

I have a lovely white pedestal and can't decide what to put on it: a flowering plant, a sculpture, a pre-Columbian pot or a man. This is a big problem because recently I read in order to secure a date, or maintain a relationship I need to put a man up there. Of course this would beg a lot more care and feeding than my other options. To say nothing of the fact that the man unlike the pre-Columbian pot would probably complain . There's a rumor that men are fed up and tired from hoisting women up on pedestals when they were in their twenties. They are mad, and "won't take it anymore." Whoa fellas get a grip. Unless you're in back spasm or have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome I'd say settle down and take a Flexoril. My understanding is these men are now demanding equal pedestal time from women or, out you go! "Hey baby move over or jump off." I bought my pedestal at a re-sale shop so I don't know if it will hold anything over 40 lbs. I'll be dateless but plants are nice.

Truthfully and this is where I'm confused I don't remember spending anytime on a pedestal in my twenties...or thirties or forties...or ...I'm going to stop there for the sake of vanity. Nope, I've been a ground dweller for as long as I can remember. I missed the ancient "pedestal era" and now I have to deal with the backlash? I asked my 33 year old son if he got tired of putting women on pedestals in his twenties. "Mom, what are you talking about? Pedestal? What does that mean?" I decided to ask my 43 year old web-site helper, "Michael, are you tired from putting women....." He stared at me like I was Anita Bryant. My girlfriend Renee said she never met a pedestal bearing man and wanted to know where to find one asap. Too late darlin'.

So what's going on? What is it men want? The word "pedestal" belongs in the dictionary not in a relationship. Call me heretical but I'm from the age of "equals." I think I'll water my plant now.

He's Baaaaaaack - No Not Michael Jordan!

Just when I thought my guy Sam was engaged and off the dating market...he's baaaaaack. Admitedly not as huge an announcement as the return of Michael Jordan but surprising none-the-less. "Wow cute engaged guy what happened?" I was finally beginning to believe that maybe there really is "someone for everyone" as my Mom likes to say or "it only takes one" as my Dad espouses as he stares at me. Sorry folks but my boy Sam is single again after only a few engaged weeks. Whoa that's a mind bender. Thankfully I didn't buy a gift or send a card because then I'd definitely be really sad. I'm cheap we know that. I was excited after what seemed like 300 years on Match.com. that his search for the "right" woman came to an end. I think the site should provide tenure status for people who have been members for over ten years. Free membership for the tenured or at least a health care plan.

Here's the problem in mid-life dating - who really is that person sitting across the table? I went out with a man who seemed perfect for me. He was successful , we laughed, shared the same politics, he was tall... all good until he had the fifth glass of wine. Then my cutie turned into psycho drunk and I was his target. Hey buddy back off and so long Mr. Perfect. Or how about the lawyer I dated with the fabulous second home which he admitted quite happily was owned by the bank because he stopped paying his mortgage so his wife couldn't get it in their divorce settlement. Impressive thinking and bye-bye Mr. Sleezy. And just for giggles, the professor who mentioned with pride the best year of his marriage was the one in which his wife was dying. Uh oh would we only find happiness if he outlived me? Not ready to sign up for that tour of duty, adios Dr. Demento.

Is it necessary to do a complete background check before the first date? By 50 we have so much baggage that a team of Sherpas to schlep it around is pretty much mandatory. (And sadly the closest I'll get to my fantasy of climbing Mt. Everest.) Seeing as how I need to hire a private investigator in order to go on a date I sure hope Match.com likes my tenure idea.