I have a Bad Date Hall of Fame, aka my personal pantheon of duds. I'm not happy to make this announcement as obviously it means I had a really crappy time and wasted a perfectly good evening I could have spent with a box of Raisinettes watching "America's Got Talent". I don't hold a yearly induction ceremony, but sometimes it is quite a struggle determining who will raise up the "best bad date statue" on December 31st. Sadly there's usually a runner-up candidate, and as a safety net a third runner up, so my voting can go right down to the wire. One year there was a man I fondly referred to as Hannibal Lecter, but I still had my liver, so he didn't make the final cut. He tried so hard to win but only one prize per year.
I'd like to remind my new inductee that women have been given the right to vote. There have been 3 women Secretaries of State, 1 Speaker of the House,1 Oprah, 3 Supreme Court Justices, 1 President of Harvard , catch my drift? The best advice to my dud date is to let the woman you're out with speak. We are a legitimate gender and can kick some serious ass.
I met my award winning date at a bar for a drink and from the moment I arrived he did not stop talking. Yap, yap, yap, yap and not about politics, sports, movies, or even weather, which would have been comic relief and perhaps interesting. His favorite subject was himself. Ironically, a movie did come to mind "My Dinner with Andre". Andre Gregory wove tales of his adventures both spiritual and real while Wallace Shawn sat at dinner and listened. His life journey was mesmerizing and the time flew as he talked. That was not my evening. It didn't even seem to matter if I was there. I began to wonder if I was. Didn't he notice I had not said a word for two hours and btw it felt like six. You know you are having a really bad time if fainting becomes a reasonable option as a way to end the evening. I thought about screaming "just shut up" at the top of my lungs, I thought about it a lot. I realized however, as I listened to the life story of every single boring family member, why bother straining my voice, as someday I might go on a date where I needed it. When the bartender brought the final bill I ripped my half out of my wallet, said thank you and ran to my car. Maybe "America's Got Talent" was still on and I had Raisinettes.
"Mr. I'm So Interesting" congratulations you won.
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My story involves two successive dates. The first one, set up by the wife of a friend, was the most avaricious bitch I ever met. She was 31 years younger then her deceased husband and got most of his money. She wanted pity because his kids (older than her) were suing for a bigger share for themselves.
The second one, also set up by the wife of a friend - another friend - was nice to the point of stupid. Seems she, her former husband and lifelong best friend - now her former husband's current wife enjoyed going places together. She might have been out of the asylum on a weekend pass.
To make it worse I was missing my favorite sitcom "Becker" to listen to the fun adventures' of this "nice" trio. I was thinking of getting the check simultaneously with her request for dessert. There went Becker and the rest of my evening.
After taking time to think what "Date From Hell" I should tell you about, I narrowed down to one... It was hard to choose but a toss of a coin made my decision.
It was sometime in the lat 80's.. Halloween night.. I was single, wild and crazy.. I decided not to go to the Halloween parade but go to a small bar and just dance..
By the time I got there I was high and had several drinks.. I was not in the mood to pick up a chick, I was just in the mood to be picked..... After several more drinks I got on the dance floor by myself and started shaking what my Mama gave me.. Few minutes later there is this woman, dirty dancing with me... we dance several songs and I know I could take her home for the night.. I said "want to go to my place" she said "Sure but I came with some friends and they are taking me home tonight" I said "Oh I’ll take you home tomorrow morning" Hell me drink and high in the 80's I didn't care she had to go home with me... She then said "yeah well I lha;dg;igdblabdl;agasdblab' yup my horny ears didn't hear a word, I just knew I was going to get laid that night... I insisted I would take her home early in the morning, what I didn't mention was that I had to be at work at 9am the next morning..
We went home... I was wasted... I think we had sex, can't remember.. The next morning I woke up.. Looked to my right and I saw the ugliest red head woman I've ever met.. Not ugly FFFFUGLY, sorry but she was... So I got up, went to take a shower and told her we needed to go... She got dressed and got in my car...
"So where do you live"
"TULSA OKLAHOMA"
"WHAT? TULSA OKLAHOMA… That’s like 5 hours away, did you tell me last night you lived in Tulsa?????"
"Yes, several times"
OMG, I had to be at work in 1 hour... I dropped her off at the mall in Dallas, told her I would pick her up at 5pm when I finished work.. Can you believe she waited? She did... I called a friend and I said "what do I do, this woman is fugly, I have to drive her to Oklahoma.. Should I just leave her at the mall? My friend said “Amm she’s been to your house, she might know where you love and come kick your ass…my friend had a good point… Mind you I had a hang over from HELLLLLLLL!!!!
Got out of work, picked her up and drove to OOOOKLAHOMA... The trip was quite silent.. When we got to her house I said "SO sorry, what is your name?"
"COOKIE CRYER"
OMG OMG OMG.Even the name sounds crazy... Dropped her off.. Drove back home... 1 hour into the drive a cop stops me "you are going 10 miles over the speed limit" DAMN!! He grabs his flashlight and starts looking in my car.. "Ma'am please get out of your car now" So I did, didn't think of anything, check around Mr. Cop, check all you want, so I thought...
Damn Cookie she got our of the car and dropped a J on the floor and who found the damn thing? Yup an Oklahoma Police officer... I told the cop it was not mine, I had dropped a girl who was stuck in Dallas and she had it with her and I didn’t know she had it….blah blah blah.. He didn't believe me.. He searched me, my car, put me in his car and took me to the police department... I spent that night there.. Called my boss the next day and bailed me out... It was not pretty.. Since then I've met women from Tulsa and believe me I don't take them home not do I ask them if the know cookie...And doesn’t matter how much I drank, I make sure I do pay attention to where they live.
That's one of many.. Want another one?...
BAD DATE HALL OF FAME # 2
1990's my local and very frequented by me bar was expanding, they had a big shindig about it so I went... Go there and saw an empty pool table and decided to play some pool.. This tall blond woman asks me if she can play with me and I said yes.. We played a couple of pool games and then she bought me drinks. Hey free dinks from a tall blond, hats nice...We danced, we talked, w danced some more and more drinks on her tab...2sm comes around and it's time to leave the bar "your place or mine" I said "yours" so here I go, I follow her to her apartment... Nice place, nice furniture, mind you by now we had kissed and made out a little at the bar... She gets a bottle of champagne and we drank.. We start making out and when every time I tried touching her between her legs she would move my hand away, I thought, hmmm well guess I won't be going there tonight" we start getting closer and closer to her bedroom, get on her bed, it's all good, UNTIL I finally get my hand between her legs OMG it's either a huge banana or??????? Well obviously it was not a banana in her pocket and she was very happy to see me... I pushed "her" away, told her some things and she said "I’m a transsexual and have not had the entire surgery done" well Biatch why don’t you say something before?... I go to her door and ran out... Back then I was working at a one hour lab at a local store, I guess I had told her where I worked because as I am printing photos and being busy my boss says "OMG look at that guy" I looked and who was it? HER.. I guess the bar is very dark because in daylight I would have knows that she was a transsexual (male to female obviously).. "Hi Jen, remember me?" OMG!!! I jumped over the counter, grabbed her arm, took her out to the parking lot and had a long talk with her and told her to never EVER NEVER come to my place of work AT ALL... Mind you I have several transsexual friend and I love them dearly but HEY I learned a lesson... bring a flash light to the bars and check out the package before anything else..
Date from hell numero tres....
Hmmm ok this is very riskeeeey but anyway, what the hell, you want to know here we go.. Late 1990's I met this really nice woman (we are great friends to this day) we went out a few times and it was very sexual, nothing else in common just sex... One day we decided to go to the lake, we found this very hidden spot in the wilderness...Lots of trees, lots of brush no one around for miles... We got naked and she tied me to a tree and we had sex... Once we were done she said "going to the truck to get some cigarettes, be back in a second" She left me tied to the tree, naked... So I am waiting and I hear someone walking from behind the tree, I couldn’t see who it was, I was tied up to a damn tree... "Ma'am are you ok? Are you hurt? Were you raped?" No Mr. Park Ranger my girlfriend and I are playing and she just went to get cigarettes from the truck, we are fine..." DUH! what a way to answer but I was young and naked and tied to a tree and nothing else came to mind what was I going to say? Oh no Mr. park ranger, I decided to tie myself up and get a tan? Well not even seconds later here comes the girl, wearing a tank top, shorts and a strap on hanging out... make a long story short Ranger took us in, they gave us a $300.00 ticket and let us go (I am sure we were the talk of the park that month, year, millennium...It really was not a date from hell but it was a day I'll never EVER forget.. What did I learn? When tied up to a tree naked don't ask for a cigarette unless I am untied and dressed...lol...Oh and if you think it was uncomfortable because of the bark on the tree, honey that was the least of my worries... I'm so happy I am not that crazy anymore...Let me tell you, Shrooms can make you do some crazy things...I can't believe I am telling you this shit Gail...Oh well.. You know I am one wild gurl and I promise you I have calmed down a lot...
DATE FROM HELL NUMERO CUATRO...(yeah you would think I would become a Nun by now? No convent wants this crazy gurl trust me...
Well some Nuns might but that's another story.. Plus I am not Catholic...
2002- I'm single and looking for new friends so I went into one of the dating websites and placed my profile.. As you are filling out the profile it asks you about your weight/type you can pick Skinny, tomboy, few pounds over weight all the way to Obese... So I get this response from a woman and I am looking at her profile before answering, it said "FEW pounds over weight" Oh well, few? How bad can that be? So I sent her a reply, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet at a Red Lobster down the street from where I lived.. So I told her "Who ever gets there first go to the hostess and get a table and give out the name"
I got there before her and the restaurant was packed...I didn't go to the hostess and decided I would know a lesbian when she came into the restaurant (no picture BTW).. I'm sitting at the bar, grabbed the menu and I am looking at it.. I see a big old bull dyke walking towards the restaurant and I though "Well I guess we won't be the only two lezzies at Red Lobster tonight" She walks to the hostess and said "I am meeting someone and her name is Jen is she here yet?" OMG I lifted the menu so she wouldn't see me, turned to the bartended (who I knew from all the times I've been there)"Frank, you need to take me through the back door” I need to run out of here, told him in 5 seconds what was going on, he walked me through the kitchen and out the door...
1 hour later my phone rings "am waiting for you"
"Oh I was there and I left"
"Why?"
"Because you lied to me"
"When"
"You said your are few pound over weight and you also stated on your profile you are 5"8' and gurl you lied"
This woman was probably 5"1 (if that) and 400 pounds over weight AND not pretty AT ALL...
She called me again to tell me that she lied because if she put in her profile the truth about her weight, women wouldn't be responding... "And is it working for you? Because let me tell you, there are women out there that like obese women and I am sure I am not the only one that would react that way to seeing that you are not telling the truth”. She said "yes I know, so far no luck and the ones I've met they don't ever call me back" DUH woman..
Lesson I learned, don’t trust the profile on dating sites and ALWAYS get their photos AND make sure I tell the bartender before hand that I might have to run out the back door...
OH! OH! OH! I got another one and this one really was funny...
I am living at home, my Mom wants to set me up with this guy, very very rick guy, Mom tried so hard to make me straight It was way funny... He was a nice guy, few years older than me, had a motorcycle, millionaire, house in Acapulco, great sports car, perfect if I was straight but I tried... So Mom sets million dollar guy and I on a date..
He picked me up on his Harley Davidson and off we went to a very fancy restaurant.. Apparently he liked me because he asked me out several times and I went, why? Well What woman would say no to "I'll pick you up at 6am and we are going to NYC on my private jet for dinner and we'll be back tonight" Who would say no to that? So I went..
Next weekend we flew for lunch to San Antonio, Next date was to a 5 star restaurant in Mexico City.. I was starting to think "hmmm I think I can do this, I will have anything I want, fly anywhere I want, shop wherever I want, maybe Mom is right" So after few months of dating him it's time to test his equipment.. He asked me out "where would you like to go" I said "Acapulco" he said "I have a house in Acapulco" I said "well lets spend the weekend together" Again he picked me up in his sports car and we flew in his private jet to beautiful sunny Acapulco.. We went to his house, beautiful house and I’m thinking, "hmmm I could live happy, spend weekend here, hmmm nice"
We swam, ate, drank, ate more drank more, kissed, made out a little in the pool and it's time for me to see what he has, test drive the car, try before you buy, you name it... So we are now in his bedroom, candles everywhere, great jazz music in the background, it's allllll good.. I'm in the mood... HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM… Lets say 3 inches is all he has? Honey I might be a lesbian but I am a size queen...That 3 inches was doing NOTHING. Plus the poor mini penis man was not into giving oral sex either so to me was a waste of time, talent and I knew that all the money in the world, all the private jets in the sky, all the houses in Acapulco would NOT mean anything without good sex...I mean come on! So I thought, hmm maybe he is nervous, we did drink a lot so maybe that's just "tonight".. Nope, woke up the next morning and he had a 3" boner going.. OH NONO NO NO NO.. That aint gonna happen baby.. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, pretended I was throwing up and feeling like food poison, poor guy he believed me, we got back on the private jet and flew back home...
He called every day and I didn't answer... He finally calls Mom and tells her I am not returning his calls.. Mom comes to me furious and tells me this is the guy I should marry, he is in love with me, what and who do I think I am, what is my life going to be without a millionaire and I didn't want to tell her what was wrong, but she pushed me more and more into anger till I finally said "Mom, the man has a little dick ok?, really little" she said WHO CARES, he's got money.. WHAT???? No f*&^% way...BTW he is not the reason why I "turned" gay, believe me, I was born this way but I gave a millionaire man a chance, maybe, just maybe I would change my ways and.. well... what can I say... I would have cheated on him every week…
What I learned is this, money doesn't grow bigger dicks and every time I see advertisements for penis enlargements I yell out loud “I know someone who needs it FOR SURE” I also learned that I am gay, Mom is not always right and size DOES matter even for a hard core lesbian like me.
HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!,,, Oh and this is a recent one.. So recent it just happene today, yes TODAY from 6pm CST until 8:30pm.. OMFG!!! Ok here we go.. I have a profile on a website, I have met several women there,most of them nice...all of them nothing to bring home to meet mama but they are nice.
The past week this woman has been e-mailing me... She called me last night and we talked for over the phone for 3 hours, she said she was good at her job, as a TV reporter etc etc etc... So she asked me out tonigt... We met... OMG PEOPLE!!!! What a cleavage!!! I was liking the view until she opened her mouth and started talking about none other thaaaaaaannnnn????? POLITICS!!!! And and and wait people, just wait!!! She told me that she understands George Bush AND AND AND She like him... WHAT THE FU&^%$#@%$^&(**)&&%?????????!!!!! what? Oh no but that's not all... She then started with Ilegal Mexicans because acording to her all ilegals are Mexicans.. They can't possibly be from central america or South America where thereare a lot of countries, nope they are AAAAAALL Mexicans.. If they speak Spanish they have to be Mexicans.. HERE"S TEH PROBLEM HOUSTON... I AM A FUC*& MEXIAN OK??? I left Mexico 25 years ago, I am almost 50 years old.. Ok I was born in California so I was lucky to have the right to live legally in USA but OMG!! She knew I am a Mexican... So from saying hello, to talking about her love towards bush and then her lack of education regaring the different countries in Latin America I thought that was it.. OH NO MY FRIENDS just cos I am white and have blue eyes according to her I am not a Mexican, how can I be? There can't be any other kind of Mexicans in Mexico BUT the ones that look alike.. OMG!!! I finally told her that I am an American Citizen and proud of this country but what I respect more over that is my Father who is a Mexican and my Grandmother who migrated from Turkey to Mexico and became a Mexican Citizen with my grandfather and how dare she insulted where I came from...And much more but why get into it.. My balls were in an up-roar believe me (and I don't have balls, I'm a gurl)
Here is what is the worst part... She put me down because of my nationality, she put me down because of my color (I don't match the stereotype Mexican) and heres the kicker, this woman is black woman... That's what I don't understastand, how can someone who is a race that knows about racism how can she say such stupidities?
Now if that's not a date from hell I have no idea what is...Oh she told me that she wanted to go out with me tomorrow.. OH HELL NO CHILD!!!! I'll tell you who you can date, Mrs Hell, she'll go out with ya...
Wow!!! That's why I am happy with my little 28 year old gurltoy.. no hassles, no politics just booty call.. It's all good... Too bad she is out with her friends tonight...
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