THE PORN QUEEN CHRONICLES

I am a porn star.  Yes, it’s true.  And I have proof.  Ironically I have never watched porn in my life, nor been in a porn film. Yet, my star status continues to climb.  There are, according to Google approximately 42,000 porn sites and I have not clicked on any of them. The U.S. pornography industry is 8 billion strong and yet I am not part of that statistic.  However, unbeknownst to me my stardom rose exponentially during Covid.  While I was home hiding from humans and bathing in Purell, I was becoming a porn queen via my YouTube channel Gail Forrest.  Without knowing it I had 11K views on my video “The Bl*w Job- It’s a Job with Hazards” and 124,650K views on “A Tale of Two Blow Jobs.” Unwitting and new to the mega porn industry I became a rising star and here’s why.

Before Covid I was doing open mics in LA and Palm Desert CA and surrounded by young male comics.  Not only was I the oldest comic in the room and felt grateful no one called me “Nana,” I was also usually the only female in the group.  And how those boys loved to get up and talk about their genitals.  Dicks, dicks, dicks, that was their favorite “go to” funny stuff.  Truthfully rarely funny.  It was boring yet eye opening for this old girl comic. 

  It dawned on me that there is another side to this subject about which I haven’t heard much…the female point of view (pun intended) of what it’s like to be up close and very very personal with the aforementioned genitals! I put my brain to work and thought about what’s possible when down in the “blow job zone”.  What could go wrong?  What is it really like for a woman?  I had heard enough of the male version and felt it was time for a female comedian to speak up.

Unfortunately Covid arrived before I could put an act together and tell the female flipside. Damn.  But together with my former Second City stand up teacher I started to do stand up sitting down.  Hmmm, now what were my list of complaints/problems down there in the “zone”?  For starters I believe Jewish women get a bad rap as blow job haters when I am certain it’s non-sectarian.  The consequences can happen to any religious persuasion.  Here is my list and granted you may have more to add so let me know.  As for the blow job lovers…bless you!

1.    It’s humid down there – makes for a very bad hair day

2.    Your mascara drips all over your face

3.    You can lose an earring and never find it

4.    Smeared lipstick and you come up looking like the Joker

5.    Chip a nail – not likely but possible

6.    Your necklace gets caught and you are down there far longer than expected or forever

7.    TMJ issues flare up – costly trip to the dentist

8.    Pull a muscle and then no yoga class for a week

9.    Cannot multi-task – no texting, answering a text, or returning a call

1.    Miss a week of your favorite TV show

1 It's boring and you didn’t bring a book or your iphone

1   They don’t call it a job for nothing! Should we unionize?

 I put this bit on YouTube and called it “The Bl*w Job- It’s a Job with Hazards.”  At the same time I added the same blow job schtick to a stand up piece I had already done about catching my 90 yr. old Dad watching porn.  I swear it’s true.  I performed it many times but thought adding my complaint list at an opportune moment – which there was - would make it funnier.  So I put  it in the piece and we filmed a brand new routine.  I changed the title to “A Tale of Two Blow Jobs.” I liked the literary reference but I am certain that’s not what drove the viewership.

 I had uploaded videos to my YouTube channel during the long days of Covid but never checked or paid attention to what was going on.   Nine months earlier I had 32 subscribers , only one video with over 500 views and a few with twelve.  When I finally took a good hard look in April 2021, I had over 331 subscribers and “A Tale of Two Blow Jobs” and “The Bl*ow Job – It’s a Job with Hazards” had crazy big numbers that shocked the shit out of me.   What the hell happened?  I was stunned, and incredulous.

 I decided to check the analytics to see what was going on.  As it turns out 96% of my viewers are men on the “porn(?)” videos.   This did not surprise me.  What was surprising to me, but not my therapist, was that 54.3% are men over 65! He mentioned they were probably not getting any blow job action anymore so looking for some fun on the internet– sorry guys.  35.1% are men between 55 and 64 and 0.1% are men 25-34.  The average stay on each video was approx. 2 minutes which meant not many watched them until the end which hurt my feelings until I read 2.08 minutes is the usual length of stay on porn videos.  I felt better, but also knew men were looking for real porn and my title is a tale of not one but TWO blow jobs which could make someone think it would be hot, sweaty and provide a few minutes of entertainment, or as needed …

So I just want to take a moment to thank men over sixty five for making me a porn queen.  I definitely owe you, but not a blow job

Living in "The Twilight Zone"

 I like to call my Covid19  life “The Twilight Zone.”  Yes siree, I wake up every day in the worst of Rod Serling.  When I was growing up the show scared the shit out of me and now my new personal version does also.  In childhood I would quickly turn off the TV when it got too scary but now there’s no off option. It’s the same freaky episode every day.  For starters should I or shouldn’t I get up?  Whereas I used to jump out of bed ready to start the day now I slither down the side in ambivalence because honestly what’s the rush?  I drag myself to the kitchen for my daily handful of vitamins and have no idea if they are poisoning or helping me.  The dog is growing antsy to go out so I throw a coat over my pajamas, put on a mask and gloves and we hit the street.  No, I do not consider changing clothes first. 

My morning coffee is followed up by hot water and lemon because I heard it repels the virus.  I now believe everything I hear.  I do a little work-out to hopefully fit in my jeans the day I put them on again.  I practice some barely recognizable yoga so I can withstand the social pressure of being able to say I do yoga.  I stay in my life affirming pjs until around noon and then I realize it’s noon and I am still in my pajamas.  Every day it’s the same surprise.

My Twilight Zone life gets really scary in the afternoon when with much trepidation I go for walk with the dog.  I am afraid of humans.  Yes, all of you!  I find myself walking in the zig zag pattern they suggest when a mass shooter is on the loose.  I am on the sidewalk one minute then frantically jump off when I spy a human heading my way.   I duck behind trees, jump into bushes and ironically dash into the middle of the street in order to maintain a “safe” distance.  Like a skilled circus performer I tight rope walked on the curb one afternoon to avoid a child on a tricycle heading my way.  However I nearly ruptured my Achilles when I lost my balance at the last minute and fell.  Enemy combatants are everywhere.  I need counseling and Xanax.

 I long to live on a deserted island with internet access and a wide screen TV.  And now more importantly my hair colorist.

Comfort Food in Corona Time

He’s baaaaak!  Not Michael Jordan but Chef Boyardee.  He’s in demand and flying off the shelves of grocery stores all over the country.  Get the Beefaroni while you can as it’s going, going, going, gone!  The brands that were left in the dust for years are on the front lines now.  Hello Aunt Jemima, oh how I loved the pancakes of my childhood and the Log Cabin Syrup poured over them until they floated on the plate.  Now all I want is to eat dozens of those comforting little pancakes. Bring ‘em on!  Doesn’t Swanson plate a meal as well as any Michelin star chef?  Those neatly sectioned off compartments filled with fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and fruit compote are yummy and no dish washing required.  Fried chicken was my favorite but turkey had the brownie or it could have been Salisbury steak.  At any rate the brownie was amazing and made my skin break out but I didn’t care. 

Bring on the unhealthy food.  I want those old labels and nasty ingredients to keep me feeling safe.  Hey, they might also be virus killers.  It doesn’t matter now does it?  A big old Betty Crocker chocolate cake to make me fat all over again like when I was growing up.  Who cares if it took years to shed the pounds and torturous work-outs? To hell with size four Betty, I want cake!  Sprinkle it with Pepperidge Farm Goldfish or Cheetos; on second thought put the Goldfish and Cheetos on the side but don’t forget them in this time of Corona eating.

I now think the Pillsbury Doughboy is a hottie.  And he makes it so easy for me to be a pastry chef.  No Great British Bake Off nonsense just twist the cardboard package and voila 12 minutes later: cookies, croissants, or rolls….I win!  So many of my childhood meal memories are here to make me feel warm, safe, ten pounds overweight and  twelve again.  Pancakes are my new best friends.

  CHICKEN LITTLE or THE SKY IS FINALLY FALLING

It’s finally happened in my lifetime – the sky is falling.  And I am doing my best impersonation of Chicken Little running around holding my head in my hands, screaming “the sky is falling ,the sky is falling!”!  My brain is spinning into butter from fear of everything:  kitchen counters, silverware, the refrigerator, gas pumps, other humans, all door handles/knobs in a 1,000 mile radius and my own hands!  Oh no, did I just touch my face and forget to wash my hands?  I might have, I did, I didn’t, I can’t remember.  I’m dazed, confused and only have 6 rolls of toilet paper in the cabinet beneath the sink.  Will that last, will I?  My hand has become one with the remote as I channel surf from one news outlet to the next, and OMG did I sanitize it before I surfed?  I almost washed my hair with sanitizer before I snapped back into consciousness.  No one has mentioned that yet have they?  My eyes are blood red as I have been staring at the TV for so long that I think I forgot how to blink.  What I really need is sleep, calm, and a Xanax drip.  

Dr. Fauci I have checked my temperature at least 45 times in the last hour.  Do I really think I can develop a fever that fast – yes!  My hand/arm is suddenly on auto response to check my cheeks to see if they’re extremely hot or medium hot, or mildly hot or not.  I will get tennis elbow if I can’t stop myself soon.  I haven’t coughed in weeks but am convinced I have one. Uh oh, have body aches set in?  Nope I just tripped and fell on the rug running to clean my hands so I can use my iPhone. But hold on a sec, don’t I have to wash my phone too? Ironically I have spent years desperately trying to keep my phone safe from water. The phone, my hands, my face, my mind, which will go first?  

Meanwhile the stock market is falling faster than the sky.  For one brief shining moment I am excited to be too poor to have bought any.  Then I remember I am still poor. 

I decide to take the dog for a walk and pick up pieces of the sky as I go.

Love in the Time of the Corona Virus 

Social distancing will be a new dating challenge. Coincidentally years ago I thought the best way to meet a man who contacted me on a dating site was to arrange for a drive-by date.  It’s quick doesn’t require parking but only a small wave and you’re done.  All you really have to know is the make and model of each other’s car.  That sounds so much easier and less stressful than sitting with a man and after sixty seconds knowing it was the last sixty seconds you ever want to spend with him.  On many occasion I have held myself hostage to boredom and zero physical attraction in the name of civility but now those days are joyfully over. There is a certain beauty to the new dating as well as an advisable speed limit.  Driving more than 20mph won’t allow you a long enough look to know if pulling over, getting out and maintaining social distancing is a good idea.

I made the unfortunate error of joining a dating site recently and if a Corona Virus test came with the membership it would have been worth it.  This is not an opportune time to meet a man and now Match.com has my money.  I have gotten quite a few “likes” and messages from prospective dates but social distancing and the closure of everything but CVS and Walgreens sheds a new light on romance.

This is where the drive-by idea is genius as expediency is of the essence.  I can quickly assess if I want to hightail it to Walgreens/CVS for a six feet apart meet and greet. More importantly what aisle is appropriate for social distancing?  Is the Metamucil/laxative aisle too revealing for a first date?  Condoms too alluring during a pandemic?  The household disinfectant aisle will be quiet due to hoarding.  I doubt I can get a refund from Match.com which would sure help out those of us who did not predict social distancing as a dating norm.  I think if they are smart they will offer a free phone sex option for those skittish about the Walgreens/CVS meet up.

My personal preference……  “Show me the refund!”

DESIGNATED TWEEZER

I have decided that I need a designated Tweezer. Yes, a friend or neighbor who pledges to tweeze the hair off of my face when I can longer see it no matter how strong a magnifying mirror I have. I just spent twenty minutes tweezer and tiny scissor in hand on a search and destroy mission for those nasty, sneaky dark hairs that have appeared since peri-menopause. They seem to multiply like roaches!

Admittedly I have had hair on my upper lip since childhood and my Mother would mix up some bleach concoction so it looked blond instead of dark brown - ugh and it smelled. I begged her for electrolysis but to no avail. I have since spent years in electrolysis with some success and a lot of expense. Nothing however prepared me for the day during peri-menopause when a coarse black beard hair appeared. Had I become a man over night? I ran like a bat out of hell for the tweezer and yanked it out. Unfortunately that was not the last sighting as I constantly find them in various spots on my face and under my chin.
OMG today I found one stuck in the middle of my cheek! In fear of having a full-on beard when my tweezing skills diminish I had to designate one of my friends for "Operation Emergency Tweeze". To be completely safe I have a back-up. Of course since they are in my menopause demographic this state of preparedness could all be in vain as none of us will be able to see well enough to go after the little buggers! It is a huge relief however knowing they are willing to give it a try. Tweeze on!